yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
