shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
