I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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