Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
