dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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