I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
