That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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