I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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