the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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