I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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