she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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