Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
