I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
