Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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