I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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