he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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