You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
