So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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