he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
