i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
