It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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