I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
