you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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