My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
