i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We got so high we made milksteak
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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