Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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