I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
