her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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