My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dignity is for republicans.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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