Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
