he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
