Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
