I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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