What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
