Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
