Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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