Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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