my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Did I show you my penis last night?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
