dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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