You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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