just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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