I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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