Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
