Pappa wants mamma naked
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i believe in u and ur pee
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