And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
