I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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