How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
