Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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