If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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