my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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