How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
